I can’t believe its been three sweet years since I had Hayden Renee. It’s been a rollercoaster thats for sure but worth every second. 

My water broke a year ago today! I probably had been in labor all day the previous day. But first time mom I just thought I was getting the flu. I had been up and down all night and Andy for some reason decided to stay a little late that morning and help me if I needed him. I remember laying against his chest and just enjoying the sweet quiet moment when my water broke. Poor guy looked about panicked when I said “either I peed myself or my water just broke” We spent the next 30 minutes aimlessly trying to figure out what we needed from the house. I had packed our bags the week before but I had no idea what I needed. I was actually due with Hayden in late September but my water broke at 37 weeks on the day. 

I will never forget the day , I feel like my labor with Hayden was super relaxed. My initial plan was to have a natural birth as long as possible and than an epidural. When we went into the hospital that morning I was at maybe 1 cm dialated. But my water was broken so I was staying. 

I literally walked into the hospital with a towel in my sweat pants and the nurse says “are you sure it was your water that broke” I laughed as fluid just kept gushing out of me and said “yes im sure” I don’t think they took me seriously, I was laughing so hard. I laugh in awkward situations, I had no idea what to do and I didn’t want to panic. 

I lasted 22 hours unmedicated with back labor. I remember thinking, if this is my only chance to ever experience this, I want to experience every single second! Andy was my power house he laid in the bed behind me for 22 hours and rubbed my back and made me laugh and held me. In that moment I needed him completely and he like any other time was there for me. 

At hour 24 I got a fever and that was when we began to realize that this labor was no longer going to go the way we wanted it to. I finally decided I wanted an epidural and when they put it in my blood pressure dropped extremely low. 

Hayden Renee made her entrance into this world as dramatically as us finding out she was coming. At hour 36 her heart rate dropped and every annoying bell around me went crazy and into emergency c-section I went. Which just so you know as soon as they got me into the o.r her heart rate was back to normal. I think she was just telling me she was done and ready to come. 

My little sour patch kid came into this world dramatically and she will probably rule this world in her own way. 

I tell you all of this to tell you that I had a plan in my head and I think the main reason I had such bad post partum anxiety is because my plans went completely to the left. I don’t handle change well, I like my plans and my lists and in my head I would have a as natural as possible delivery, with no complications, they would put my baby on my chest and I would have bonding time. Guess what NONE of that happened. I ended up in a c-section, my daughter was taken straight to transitions (which is a level above Nicu) and was so badly jaundice that I only got to hold her to nurse her every two hours for 45 minutes. Nothing was the way I pictured it. 

Motherhood will NEVER go the way you plan it. You know the saying “You plan God laughs.” That is the essence of motherhood. Motherhood will always throw you a curve ball, one child will always have to pee before you leave, one child will always have dirt on them in some random place. But ive learned its ok. Perfection is a joke when it comes to life, I think so many moms struggle because we think we have to be perfect. We don’t. It’s ok if we have one child who is dirty and one who is an outfit that they either questionably wore two days prior and may or may not have gotten washed. 

With tomorrow being Hayden’s birthday im in complete denial, but as I look back on the past three years im so proud of how I have grown as a mother and a person. Some of the curveballs Hayden has thrown at me over the year, broken arm at eight months, asthma attacks and hospital visits, knocks to the head I swear would knock a grown man out but she laughs and walks off. All of these moments have made so incredibly proud! God knew I needed her to make me stronger. He knew I needed to have someone just like me so I could find the strength within me I had no idea I had. 

This little sour patch kid makes me stronger daily, she makes me learn more about myself and who I am as a person. She’s taught me to have a backbone, she made me grow up and I love her for it. 

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