Be Better

Why is it as a mom you feel things more deeply? I have had loss of friends in high school and over the ten years since high school (god that makes me feel old). I’ve felt heartache and loss, but since becoming a mother any kind of loss almost devastates me. 

Recently I lost a 15 year friendship and its just put me in this funk I can’t shake? It takes a lot for me to let people in, thats just my nature, so if you are on that list I than I truly care about you as a person. Its taken me weeks to think and I just feel lost. I was laying up watching t.v the other night and the words just started flowing out of my mind. The pain we as mothers feel over a loss of friendship, its so deep and so intense why is that? We deal with loss at a completely different level. 

The conclusion I have come to is we feel this loss more because we have more to protect.  My children have made me a mama bear, I fiercely love them and I fiercely protect them. So when i’m hurting, you not only are hurting me, but my heart ache’s for my children. 

Many people have watched my loss of a friend in the past months and I still don’t have the words to explain it. I truly thought In the week leading up to the final fallout that I was doing what was best and in the end it wasn’t taken that way. So many people will tell me it was just a friendship but I know you fellow mommas will understand. As moms we are so criticized for every little thing that we do, from how we give birth, to how we feed, to how we dress, to how we vaccinate or don’t. We are criticized for it all! So to find a fellow mom or moms who agree with how you do things, or at least doesn’t critisize you is so rare. To lose that is hard, because suddenly that person you text at 3 p.m when your toddler is acting like satan is gone. Lord forbid you text someone else or put on your facebook “toddler for sale” because hell will rain down on you. 

I hate that for moms! I hate that we don’t have the comfort that no matter what mom we go to we can vent. I hate that we are so scared of being criticized we second guess every single thing! Being a mom is hard! Being a SAHM is incredibly lonely and depressing, and that is made more so by the constant scrutiny we feel as moms! 

I don’t necessarily agree with every mom out there but if you need a shoulder to lean on come find me! I’ve been in your shoes at some point! Ive been in that pain at some point! Why would I judge you?

In an effort for utter transparency so you all can truly get to know me, I’ve always struggled from anxiety and depression, which was made worse through infertility and subsequently two back to back babies. I know going into tough situations that, that will play a part in my reactions to the things. The past two weeks have been hard on me as a wife and a mother, I felt like I wasn’t good enough, I felt like a failure, I had been made to feel like I was less than as a person, I had been made to feel like what mattered to me was stupid and pointless. I don’t think i’ll ever be able to truly describe how that feels. I ache for the loss of a friend, but I ache for what I lost in myself. I lost a fire I had for something I truly cared about! I lost a confidence in who I was and am as a person. 

That’s not right or fair. NEVER let someone do that to you. NEVER allow anyone or anything defeat you. We as women, as moms, as humans, have gone through fights some people will never know about! Things we never have to tell others about, but we made it to the other side! 

If the past two weeks has shown me anything, its shown me the truth about humanity, a truth that I looked at through rose colored lens before, but a truth that has been there the whole time. It showed me a truth about myself, I care, I care about strangers, I care about other moms who are going through heartache and pain, I care about what others feel. 

It also showed me a lesson I need to teach my children, especially my girls! BE KIND. Never be hateful or mean, always respect others and who they are as a person. There opinions may be different from yours and that is ok! Be honest with others even when it hurts! Be true to yourself, do what you think is right even if the world is telling you its wrong. Be a human that you want to be friends with. Last of all don’t be a victim, take the pain and turn it around and acknowledge your mistakes and than be able to say because of this I became a better human, a better friend, a better everything. But I wasn’t a victim who allowed myself to be defeated, I made a change and came back better!  

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